MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS (2017)

Review by Derrick Carter

Running Time: 1 hour 54 minutes

MPAA Rating: PG-13 for Violence and Thematic Elements

Directed by: Kenneth Branagh

Written by: Michael Green

(based on the novel MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS by Agatha Christie)

Starring: Kenneth Branagh, Penelope Cruz, Willem Dafoe, Judi Dench, Johnny Depp, Josh Gad, Derek Jacobi, Leslie Odom Jr., Michelle Pfeiffer, Daisy Ridley, Tom Bateman, Olivia Colman, Lucy Boynton & Marwan Kenzari

MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS is arguably Agatha Christie’s most popular mystery novel (with AND THEN THERE WERE NONE being the only possible exception). Christie’s book has been adapted onto the big screen, the radio, and the small screen (three different times). ORIENT EXPRESS’s most recent adaptation has come loaded with big talent and recognizable faces. Though this film isn’t perfect and I wouldn’t rank it as the best Agatha Christie adaptation that I’ve sat through (that honor actually belongs to the miniseries adaptation of AND THEN THERE WERE NONE), MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS should provide classy entertainment for mature audiences.

In the 1930s, Belgian detective Hercule Poirot (Kenneth Branagh) is famous for solving seemingly unsolvable cases. Poirot seems determined to put a stop to all crime, but he also needs occasional vacation time. In an effort to get away from his stressful line of work, this mustachioed crime-solver has booked passage on the Orient Express in the dead of winter. Poirot’s holiday is cut short by the sudden murder of shady businessman Samuel Ratchett (Johnny Depp). To make matters even worse, an avalanche has derailed the train. With a train full of suspects and an increasingly tense atmosphere, Poirot must uncover the killer’s identity before another life is lost.

MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS benefits from high production values and a cast/crew who clearly cared about putting their all into this project. Kenneth Branagh shot this film on 65mm cameras and the resulting visuals are gorgeous to behold. Most of MURDER’s plot doesn’t necessarily rely on effects (other than shots of the train and its snowy location), instead playing out as a tense thriller between its contained cast of characters. There are a couple of confrontations and suspenseful chases, but this film mostly builds its tension from conversations and flashbacks within those conversations (that reveal further clues about a possible motive and the killer’s identity).

Having not read the source material, I had the pleasure of not knowing a thing about MURDER’s conclusion. Though thrilling, unexpected and oddly moving, I have to imagine that ORIENT EXPRESS will likely lose some of its impact on repeated viewings. Still, the film benefits from the sheer entertainment of Kenneth Branagh in the leading role as Hercule Poirot. This over-the-top Belgian detective is quirky to the extreme and noticeably obsessive-compulsive, as opposed to being a borderline sociopathic detective (ala Sherlock Holmes). Besides driving the plot forward and cleverly piecing together clues for the viewer, Branagh’s Poirot also provides enjoyable comic relief. The tonal mix of almost cartoonish humor and straight-faced seriousness never once dissuaded my love for this strange protagonist.

As far as the supporting cast goes, ORIENT EXPRESS contains quite the impressive gathering of A-listers and emerging talent among its passengers/suspects. Johnny Depp gets some mileage out of his scumbag victim because he actually gets to flex his acting muscles in this role. Penelope Cruz is a standout as a suspicious missionary, while Willem Dafoe plays an oddball professor. Judi Dench fits well into the role of a creepy princess. The usually comedic Josh Gad plays a far darker character than his usual light-hearted fare. Michelle Pfeiffer is a hysterical (though possibly deceptive) passenger, while Daisy Ridley is a charming (though possibly homicidal) woman hiding secrets. Meanwhile, Leslie Odom Jr. is good enough as the charismatic (but possibly murderous) doctor.

On the non-suspect side of things, Tom Bateman is also a lot of fun as Poirot’s best friend (and the Orient Express’s director) Bouc. ORIENT EXPRESS’s only noticeably bad performances come from Lucy Boynton as a reclusive countess and Sergei Polunin as her ill-tempered count husband. Boynton is bland in her role and doesn’t get enough screen time to leave much of a positive impression at all. Meanwhile, Polunin is laughably over-the-top in the scenes where he switches from a calm 0 to a furiously enraged 100 in a matter of seconds. His violent temper just feels unbelievably forced. One confrontation involving this character comes out of nowhere and is almost laughably bad due to Polunin’s unconvincing line delivery. Still, both of these performers don’t receive too much screen time.

The beauty of MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS is that its seemingly simple murder-mystery that gets drastically more complex as the list of possible suspects and motives continues to grow. Clues and red herrings run rampant. The viewer’s emotions are thrown into a borderline distressed state as you try to figure out who the killer is…much like protagonist Poirot. As I mentioned before, I don’t think this film will hold up nearly as well upon a second viewing. Once the cat has been let out of the bag, the film’s surprise and novelty is pretty much gone. However, Branagh’s Poirot, the visuals, and performances from a talented cast make a viewing worthwhile. If you’re into murder mysteries and enjoy classy slow-burn storytelling, then you’ll likely dig MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS.

Grade: B

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES (2017)

Review by Derrick Carter

Running Time: 2 hours 9 minutes

MPAA Rating: PG-13 for Sequences of Adventure Violence, and some Suggestive Content

Directed by: Joachim Ronning & Espen Sandberg

Written by: Jeff Nathanson

Starring: Johnny Depp, Javier Bardem, Brenton Thwaites, Kaya Scodelario, Geoffrey Rush, Kevin McNally, Golshifteh Farahani, David Wenham, Stephen Graham & Orlando Bloom

In theory, the PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN series never should have worked. It’s based on a theme park ride and had a goofy premise from the start, with Johnny Depp putting in a shamelessly over-the-top performance that baffled studio heads. However, 2003’s CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL was a huge hit amongst both critics and audiences. I consider that film to be a glowing example of big budget summer entertainment done right. DEAD MAN’S CHEST was an okay sequel, while AT WORLD’S END was a tired slog to sit through. ON STRANGER TIDES was a marginally better fourth entry that attempted to steer this swashbuckling series back into Captain Jack’s fantastical ocean adventures. How does the fifth(!) installment in this long-running theme-park-based franchise fare? Well, let’s just say that I enjoyed almost every other PIRATES film more than DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES.

Henry Turner (Brenton Thwaites), son of the Flying Dutchman’s captain Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), is desperate to break the curse that holds his father to the sea. To do this, he needs to find Poseidon’s legendary trident…and for that, he’ll need the help of Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp). Henry and Jack get off to a rocky start, as they’re accompanied by intellectual Carina Smyth (Kaya Scodelario) and her ability to read a map in the stars. Their journey only gets rockier as the Jack’s crew encounters Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush), evil British Lieutenant Scarfield (David Wenham), and ghostly Spaniard Captain Salazar (Javier Bardem). The only hope for breaking Will’s curse and saving Jack’s life is to find/steal the fabled trident!

DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES, much like the series’ previous installment ON STRANGER TIES, clearly has Disney trying to steer this pirate franchise in new directions. This time, they’re aiming to bring in a new generation of moviegoers by having two fresh-faced, younger characters as leads. Henry Turner and Carina Smyth are clearly supposed to be hipper, younger stand-ins for Orlando Bloom’s hero and Keira Knightley’s heroine from the original trilogy. Unfortunately, Brenton Thwaites and Kaya Scodelario are poor substitutes in acting ability, on-screen charisma, and character development.

In his fifth outing as Captain Jack Sparrow, Johnny Depp gets a fair amount of laughs and also grates on the viewer’s nerves in equal measure. I thought Depp was easily the best part of the first two PIRATE movies, but he’s slowly become more and more of a cartoon character as the films have gone on. The same can be said of DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES, which sees Captain Jack jumping from cannon to cannon in a ship battle and making plenty of goofy faces. His best scene easily involves a guillotine though and this got plenty of laughs out of myself (and everyone else in the theater). Geoffrey Rush fares much better as the returning Barbossa, while Orlando Bloom has a glorified cameo.

As two new antagonists in the series, David Wenham and Javier Bardem are on opposite ends of the villain totem-pole. Wenham (though a more than capable actor) isn’t given much to do as the evil British Lieutenant and his entire subplot wraps up in the most anti-climactic way possible (even worse than the giant witch from the third movie). Javier Bardem serves as a solid baddie though. I loved the look of his villain and the murderous grudge he holds against Sparrow. More screen time should have been dedicated to the conflict between Depp’s Sparrow and Bardem’s Salazar as opposed to far too many subplots that invasively take away from the film’s more interesting plot points.

As far as spectacle goes, DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES has its fair share of entertaining bits and cool moments. There’s an opening bank robbery that recaptures the humor that made the first two installments so enjoyable and, of course, there’s effects-driven chaos that one would expect to see in a PIRATES movie. Most of the film’s awesomeness involves Bardem’s ghostly villain and his strange powers, including using decaying sharks as creative weapons. The special effects look great, though you’d expect them to be that…with a price tag of over 200 million dollars. However, the finale is where things become a little too eye-rollingly silly in the plot’s over-the-top, anything-goes nature. I was not having nearly as much fun as I should have been, especially considering that the film goes for a “kitchen sink” approach in its final third.

DEAD MEN’s script is where most of this film’s many problems lie. The beyond convoluted plot feels like it’s trying to cram entirely too much into one movie. We have loads of new characters, meaning that our main ones of importance wind up underdeveloped and forgettable. Certain story arcs come right the hell out of nowhere with little rhyme, reason, or emotional resonance. One twist feels like a last-minute thought and becomes useless in the overall scheme of things. Meanwhile, a few subplots are completely pointless…like the British villain who goes nowhere and (again) has an infuriatingly stupid final scene.

DEAD MEN is only marginally better than AT WORLD’S END and falls far lower than the second and fourth installments. If the stinger after the end credits is any indication, we’ll likely be getting an unnecessary sixth film in the franchise…because why not render an ending that seemed to wrap up the entire series as pointless in the space of five minutes? There are a handful of great moments in DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES and I really enjoyed Bardem’s undead villain, but the film suffers from too many unfocused subplots, lazy writing, and two bland leads. As a result, DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES is the second-worst PIRATES movie and lackluster attempt at summer blockbuster entertainment.

Grade: C-

DONNIE BRASCO (1997)

Review by Derrick Carter

Running Time: 2 hours 7 minutes

MPAA Rating: R for some Strong Graphic Violence, Pervasive Strong Language, brief Nudity and Sexuality

Directed by: Mike Newell

Written by: Paul Attanasio

(based on the book DONNIE BRASCO: MY UNDERCOVER LIFE IN THE MAFIA by Joseph D. Pistone)

Starring: Johnny Depp, Al Pacino, Michael Madsen, Bruno Kirby, Anne Heche, James Russo, Zeljko Ivanek, Gerry Becker, Andrew Parks, Robert Miano, Brian Tarantina, Rocco Sisto, Tim Blake Nelsen & Paul Giamatti

Based on an incredible true story, DONNIE BRASCO is a mafia movie that contains A-list talent, loads of suspense, and pretty much everything that fans of gangster cinema could ask for. This film was acclaimed during its 1997 theatrical run by both critics and audiences (making four times its budget back), and was also nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay at the Academy Awards. Though it doesn’t quite stack up to the pillar of Scorsese’s 90s gangster films (GOODFELLAS, CASINO), DONNIE BRASCO is a must-see for mob movie fans.

In a top-secret operation, FBI agent Joseph Pistone (Johnny Depp) has gone undercover as jewel thief “Donnie Brasco.” When “Donnie” attracts the attention of low-life enforcer Benjamin “Lefty” Ruggiero (Al Pacino), Joseph gains a position to take down one of the biggest crime families in the nation. This operation puts Joseph in a very dangerous spot as he’s forced to get down and dirty with these wiseguys, while constantly taking measures to maintain his cover. Soon enough, Joseph seems enraptured with his newfound criminal lifestyle…to a point where the FBI is concerned about his well-being and his wife (Anne Heche) realizes that he’s turning into “one of them.” Lots of suspense, mafia-related hijinks, and questionable morals follow as “Donnie” tries to complete his operation and escape with his life.

DONNIE BRASCO is different from other notable 90s gangster films because so much of it hinges on the Joseph’s undercover operation. There’s constant tension as the viewer wonders whether some blunder from a passing FBI agent or an unplanned event will unmask “Donnie’s” true identity. Even though we know that Pistone lived to write the memoir that inspired this film, DONNIE BRASCO keeps us on the edge of our seats. There’s something to be said about that quality alone. One intense moment comes early on as “Donnie” refuses to take his shoes off in a Japanese restaurant (because he has a wire hidden in his shoe)…only to result in a restaurant employee being beaten to a pulp. Another tense bit comes in “Donnie” being spotted by an air-headed coworker, while he’s standing right next to made-man “Sonny Black” (Michael Madsen). Small moments like these add even more danger to the proceedings.

As for the mafia material, DONNIE BRASCO carefully sets up details about the inner workings of the crime family. We learn what certain terms mean (“a friend of mine” or “a friend of ours”) and the signs that someone is about to get whacked (when you get “sent for”). These details are explained to the audience (as Pacino’s “Lefty” reveals them to Depp’s “Donnie”) and then pop up in the proceedings throughout. There are tense rivalries that make their way into the plot, while a few factual details have been switched up to provide a more tragic conclusion (though the real-life ending to this tale was bittersweet). Don’t expect loads of gun fights and blood, but DONNIE has its violent spots. One notable set piece comes in a shocking, though oddly satisfying execution sequence.

Despite the mafia driving this story forward, DONNIE BRASCO is at its most powerful when it examines the relationship between “Donnie” and “Lefty.” This plot element is beautifully executed as Johnny Depp and Al Pacino show wonderful chemistry on the screen. Depp’s “Donnie” is a convincing gangster and the way he snaps at the FBI (who almost get him killed on numerous occasions) causes the viewer to sympathize with him. Though he’s more famous for playing two iconic gangsters (Michael Corleone in THE GODFATHER and Tony Montana in SCARFACE), Al Pacino disappears into his role as “Lefty.” Pacino turns this cold-blooded contract killer into a somewhat tragic figure, who shows a nice side to “Donnie” and becomes his best friend.

Though DONNIE BRASCO nails most of its material and builds a strong relationship between Pacino and Depp’s characters, the film slightly drops the ball in two areas. The first of these is the passage of time in the story. The real life “Donnie Brasco” operation took place over the course of six years and the film neglects to fill us in on these dates. It’s not necessarily crucial to the story, but it felt like this film’s plot took place over the course of a year (tops)…which was probably not the case at all.

The second area where DONNIE BRASCO has problems is the turbulent relationship between Joseph and his worried wife. I felt like this entire subplot was a little too scattered. During one scene, Joseph’s wife is telling him how much she hates him and goes as far as to change their home number so he can’t call his kids. Then a few scenes later, she’s sympathetic towards his plight and madly in love with him for no apparent reason. It felt like a few scenes were deleted between this character’s shift into concern. This messy subplot neuters the would-be emotional impact of Joseph’s final family scenes.

Despite a couple of nagging narrative flaws, DONNIE BRASCO is a fantastic film that’s sure to sink its hooks into fans of gangster stories. The performances from Al Pacino and Johnny Depp warrant a watch by themselves, besides the stellar turn from Michael Madsen as an underdog mob boss. This film is unlike many of the mafia movies I’ve sat through, due to its strong focus on a heartfelt relationship between two very unlikely friends and a constant air of suspense from the undercover operation. If this sounds up your alley, then I highly recommend checking out DONNIE BRASCO!

Grade: A-

FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM (2016)

Review by Derrick Carter

Running Time: 2 hours 13 minutes

MPAA Rating: PG-13 for some Fantasy Action Violence

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Directed by: David Yates

Written by: J.K. Rowling

Starring: Eddie Redmayne, Katherine Waterston, Dan Fogler, Alison Sudol, Colin Farrell, Carmen Ejogo, Samantha Morton, Ezra Miller, Ron Perlman & Jon Voight

Five years after the eighth HARRY POTTER film concluded the beloved fantasy franchise, J.K. Rowling’s wizarding world has returned in FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM. This is the first in a five-part series that’s been penned for the screen by none other than Rowling herself and that will likely bring excitement to anyone who grew up with HARRY POTTER. Though this first film in the spin-off series suffers from a few narrative problems, this big-budget fantasy is sure to be please hardcore POTTER heads and those who simply want another cinematic dose of wizarding entertainment!

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The year is 1926 and the place is New York. Newt Scamander (Eddie Redmayne) is an awkward young wizard with a briefcase full of magical creatures. While other wizards and witches seem content with exterminating fantastical beasts, Newt wishes to save the dwindling species and document their existence in a book (try to guess what it’s titled). However, through an accidental twist of fate, some of Newt’s creatures escape and begin wreaking havoc across New York. With the help of Auror Tina (Katherine Waterston), non-maj Kowalski (Dan Fogler) and psychic Queenie (Alison Sudol), Newt rushes to recapture his escaped creatures before they or potential wizards/humans are harmed. Meanwhile, dangerous dark magic is also loose on the streets of New York and that sort of off-and-on connects to the main plot.

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FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM doesn’t simply repeat the magical mystery/chosen one formulas that were used in the HARRY POTTER franchise, and instead offers fans and newcomers something fresh in Rowling’s wizarding world. The change of setting to roaring 20’s New York adds a lot of atmosphere and shows us how the magic community functions in America. Small creative background details offer chuckle-worthy visual gags, but the intricately fleshed-out and effects-heavy world simply dazzles before the viewer’s eyes. Though it’s loaded with tons of CGI (like all of the HARRY POTTER films), every frame of the movie looks convincing. FANTASTIC BEASTS more than delivers in sheer spectacle.

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The titular beasts themselves are indeed fantastic. These creatures range from whimsical and cute to potentially threatening and dangerous. Newt Scamander’s quest to document their existence and ensure their survival is likely to appeal to animal lovers everywhere, whilst also feeding into the HARRY POTTER meets JUMANJI storyline. Eddie Redmayne has had hits (THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING, THE DANISH GIRL) and misses (JUPITER ASCENDING) in his filmography, but serves as a rock solid lead here. Redmayne’s Newt is far from courageous “chosen one” Harry Potter…and starts off instead as quirky and awkward. Harry was a Gryffindor and Newt is a Hufflepuff. It shows, but offers a new kind of magical hero: an ordinary guy who wants to save magical creatures from mankind and wizardkind alike.

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Katherine Waterston makes a serviceable sidekick and heroine to go with the story’s eccentric protagonist, though a love-interest angle between them comes off as forced and unbelievable. Far more enjoyable to watch is Dan Fogler’s stint as a perplexed non-maj (an American Muggle) trying to avoid getting his memory wiped and helping Newt save the day. Alison Sudol makes the most of her scenes and has a fantastic subplot with Fogler. Ron Perlman also makes a brief vocal appearance as a sadly underused goblin gangster.

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FANTASTIC BEASTS’s major problem is a subplot that seems out-of-place and unfocused from the main story, even though it does finally form a connection during the final third. The villains and potential antagonists feel like afterthoughts. I’d argue that this subplot was included purely for the purposes of setting up future installments in a very noticeable, borderline distracting fashion. Colin Farrell does what he can to salvage the blatant sequel set-up as a hard-to-read Auror. Ezra Miller slumps his shoulders and cries, contributing next-to-nothing to the main storyline and giving a would-be emotional story arc that feels half-assed. Jon Voight shows up as a news reporter and doesn’t do much. Meanwhile, Samantha Morton seems primed to be a hateful antagonist…and then sort of fades away from the proceedings. This subplot was messy and though it does distract from FANTASTIC BEASTS’s main story, it doesn’t damage the overall movie too badly.

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FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM is better than three of the HARRY POTTER films (GOBLET OF FIRE, HALF-BLOOD PRINCE, and DEATHLY HALLOWS: Part 1) and reaches the level of SORCERER’S STONE on Rowling’s Wizarding World totem pole. Though BEASTS suffers from noticeable narrative stumbles and a sloppy subplot, it more than delivers in being spectacularly entertaining, giving us a new batch of interesting characters, and making the viewer excited for future installments to come. FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM has satisfied a cinematic craving that I didn’t realize I had until this film concluded. Bring on more magical adventures!

Grade: B+

YOGA HOSERS (2016)

Review by Derrick Carter

Running Time: 1 hour 28 minutes

MPAA Rating: PG-13 for Crude Humor, Sexual References, Comic Violence, and brief Drug Material

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Directed by: Kevin Smith

Written by: Kevin Smith

Starring: Lily-Rose Depp, Harley Quinn Smith, Johnny Depp, Vanessa Paradis, Austin Butler, Tyler Posey, Justin Long, Haley Joel Osment, Genesis Rodriguez, Tony Hale, Natasha Lyonne & Kevin Smith

Kevin Smith’s filmography has recently gone through many odd shifts. Though he gained a loyal fanbase from low-budget comedies like CLERKS and MALLRATS, Smith has entered a horror phase…and this has been a hugely miscalculated move. The best of Smith’s horror efforts is easily RED STATE, a surprisingly strong merging of the Waco siege and the Westboro Baptist Church. 2014’s TUSK was disappointing due to its confused tonal shifts and a plot that seemed to making itself up as it went along. That film featured cameos from Kevin Smith’s daughter and Johnny Depp’s kid as Canadian convenience store clerks. YOGA HOSERS is a semi-sequel to TUSK and serves as a spin-off for that pair of minor characters.

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Colleen Collette (Lily-Rose Depp) and Colleen McKenzie (Harley Quinn Smith) are best friends, bandmates and co-workers at the Eh-2-Zed convenience store. They bury their faces in their cellphones during school and periodically skip out on their shifts to hold band practice in the backroom. After being invited to a senior party held by preppy Hunter Calloway (Austin Butler), the Colleens’ lives begin to look up…until Colleen C’s father (Tony Hale) forces the two BFF’s to take an unexpected work shift. Missing Hunter’s party won’t be the end of the Colleens’ problems though, because Bratzis (Kevin Smith in bratwurst make-up) have risen from the ground. You may be asking: “What’s a Bratzi?” It’s a little Nazi made of bratwurst and the Colleens have to contend with an army of them. Lucky for them, legendary man-hunter Guy Lapointe (Johnny Depp) is on the case.

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YOGA HOSERS’ plot is kind of difficult to summarize, because there isn’t exactly a straightforward storyline. The film is supposedly about two teenage clerks fighting bratwurst creatures that kill people by going up their butts, yet only a third of the film seems interested in that. The rest is dedicated to the Colleens going about their teenage lives and Johnny Depp mugging for the camera. Kevin Smith unapologetically admitted that this film was a vanity project, but it might have been fun (albeit ridiculously stupid) if there was any semblance of a story. Flashy headache-inducing title cards, two cringe-worthy musical numbers, and lame cut-away jokes constantly interrupt the movie’s already wavering momentum.

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Even though it clocks in at a mercifully short 88 minutes, YOGA HOSERS frequently lags in its pacing and feels much longer as a result. There are a few chuckles that keep the film from becoming a total failure, but these are few and far between. One visual joke seems directly lifted from Mel Brooks’ ROBIN HOOD: MEN IN TIGHTS (moles changing around on Johnny Depp’s face), which in turn was actually recycled from the ever-changing hump in YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN. The biggest laugh comes from Haley Joel Osment as Canadian Hitler. The punchline to his single scene is very funny, but that energy vanishes the minute he’s gone. Don’t worry though, because YOGA HOSERS tries to get more wacky laughs by giving us a Nazi villain monologuing through voice impressions of Hollywood actors (ala Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Pacino, etc.). That’s the level we’re at here, folks.

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I can’t judge too harshly on Lily-Rose Depp and Harley Quinn Smith’s performances, because they come off as annoying teenage kids. This was definitely the intention, but it doesn’t automatically turn them into likable ass-kicking heroines. Austin Butler, who resembles Justin Bieber, shows potential in a neat plot twist that showed promise…and is quickly written out by a lazy butt joke. Johnny Depp’s Guy Lapointe was one of the worst things in TUSK, but seems to fit in with the wacky stupidity of YOGA HOSERS. His presence is much more colorful than either of the Colleens anyway. The less said about Kevin Smith in bratwurst make-up, the better. Justin Long is serviceable enough as a pretentious strip mall yoga instructor. However, Smith thinks that cameos are the same thing as comedy…which makes for two incredibly out-of-place moments.

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Truthfully, I think that Kevin Smith knows YOGA HOSERS isn’t a good movie. In the Q&A shown before the Fathom Event screening, Smith stated that the film is a midnight movie made for viewers who aren’t allowed to stay up until midnight. He seems to be writing off this film’s bad quality as it being made for kids. I don’t think that’s quite the case. There may be no F-bombs or nudity in this film, but there’s definitely enough sexual innuendos to earn the PG-13 rating (which isn’t exactly perfect for a “kid’s movie”). Even if YOGA HOSERS was actually intended for little girls, quality kid’s films usually entertain older viewers too. How terrible is YOGA HOSERS? Well, let’s just say that a theater filled with hardcore Kevin Smith fans was dead silent for 90% of the running time and I’ll pretty much be ignoring the rest of Kevin Smith’s new movies until he inevitably makes CLERKS III.

Grade: D-

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